The Calm Before the Storm

I want to talk about something that people don’t like to talk about, something scary.

The calm before the storm.

I am scared to talk about it but I need to because, in six short months I went from happy, healthy, and full of life, to; exhausted, dehydrated, and completely drained. 

Slowly the light drained from my eyes and my face began to swell. But, what you can’t see physically, is the nights I wasn’t sleeping, the amount of caffeine I was taking in, the skipping meals and then binging, the random almost unconscious naps I was taking and hiding, the amount of ibuprofen I was taking to ignore the constant body aches, and most importantly the happy, healthy girl gradually leaving my body. 

I have gaps in my memory, big ones and that is something I have started to get used to but it doesn’t make it any easier, to see photos of yourself or hear stories of yourself that you don’t recognize. And in between not remembering, I remember drowning and making excuses for it. I was defensive about my health when questioned. I think subconsciously I knew I wasn’t taking care of myself, but ignoring it was easier. It was easier than finding out what about me was wrong, why could I not do the things my friends could? So, I continued to ignore it. Until I could absolutely not ignore it any longer.

No one wants to talk about the fact that I was abusing my body and mind.  Because that would mean they need to pay more attention to theirs. Let me be clear I did NOT cause my disorder, that is simply not possible. But, I did cause myself to be dehydrated, exhausted, and mentally checked out. I didn’t pay attention to my body when it was begging me to. All because I desperately wanted to be like my friends. The truth is that I can’t do those things and be okay, my body and mind don’t operate that way, and that IS OKAY! Not everyone is built the same, God made us all special and beautiful in our own ways.

I know that I am young, but I have more life experience than the average person. So listen when I say this; You must be yourself, you must put yourself first. Don’t comprise your health to fit in. Listen to your body. And also, eat the friggen spaghetti AND the garlic bread, then go for a walk. Love your body, it is incredible what it can do if you let it.