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Let me just start by saying this was the most difficult writer’s block I have ever endured. I am completely caught between the two feelings I know this will invoke. I want this to be the most raw thing I have ever written. The only issue with that is that being vulnerable is maybe not so much my strong suit. But, I was once searching for answers, at the beginning of this journey and what I found was less than helpful. The forums and testimonials I found were either unrealistically hopeful and inspiring or way too far off from my own symptoms. So, I decided to skip the gory details and give you what truly matters at the end of the day.
And the truth is; this life is not easy, it doesn’t magically get better after a few months or even a year, however, you are not hopeless and you don’t have to be. Functional Neurological Disorder affects everything you do, it alters your mind and body. It will most likely be the hardest thing you fight, it will be mostly constant only stopping for the most joyous moments in life. And to be frank, it will absolutely suck to watch your peers be normal and enjoy normalcy.
But for me, it is not all bad. Although this has been the absolute hardest part of my very young life, it has taught me invaluable lessons that I would’ve never otherwise learned. This disorder has changed me, and I am better for it. Before getting sick, my downfall was always that I was overly forgiving and naive with my own heart, I allowed people to step all over my happiness and dictate and control me. But, when my basic skills as a human were taken by my own brain, my days of getting walked all over, were over. It is hard and I still have times when I want to bend to make someone else happy. But what on earth is the point of that? Why should I hurt myself more for the sake of someone who really wouldn’t do the same? For someone who has an undying amount of empathy this is a trick question. Because even at the cost of my own mental health and happiness I would rather someone else be happy. However, I am learning that only the people I choose, get to have the privilege of knowing my selfless kindness.
This last year has also helped me better my relationships and make them more comfortable to me. I have never been more honest and true to myself. I have done more healing in the past year than I have in the entirety of my life! And the most rewarding thing of all, I have found the most pure form of me, and I am growing to truly love her. And speaking of true love, mine has grown 100 times greater. I never knew a love like ours actually existed, it is the most cheesy, gushy thing I’ll be the first to admit, but he is truly my perfect match. His unfading love has kept me so strong, and when I couldn’t be, he was strong enough for the both of us. Hunter is everything my soul wants and everything my heart needs. And I absolutely cannot wait to be his wife and spend our forever together.
Buuut back on a more serious note, I am more than proud of my accomplishments this past year. I mean how many people can say they relearned how to walk and talk? And every single one of those people deserves immense credit because it is scary as hell. And whatever rocks and boulders Functional Neurological Disorder decides to throw, you are strong enough to keep fighting back! You can keep up the battle and although there isn’t a cure or a clear win, every day that you decide to continue going through it, you are winning. And so am I.
